GOT Season 8, Episode 5: Yikes.

Yikes, guys, yikes. 

UGH, I don't even want to write about this week's episode of Game of Thrones. But here I am, in the final minutes of my weekend, reliving it just for my precious AleHorn Army. You barbarians know I love you, right?

Where's Tormund? I'm going to need an XL GJallerhorn full of wine to get through this.

game of thrones

Varys, time to go
Wait, don't you want to see Benioff and Wiess (who are no longer cool enough to be called D&D) fuck this plot up anymore? Wait, you thought that you were a Blackfyre Targaryen? Wait, you thought that you were going to save the realm for the people who live in it? Wait, you're really the only decent dude in the Game of Thrones? Pfft, no. Into the dragon fire you go! Varys, you deserved better.



He has a little protege. Was she the girl that Arya tried to save at the end? Too many grubby little peasant girls wandering around, I guess. What is the protege's role, if she's even still alive? Will she take Dany down in the next episode? 

Tyrion? Are you OK?
If you're a book fan, you know that one of the best things that has happened to Tyrion's character after he was taken from King's Landing, following the death of his eldest nephew, was how viscerally he hated Cersei. He gave the readers a voice in hating her. But more importantly, he gave in to his own rage, which was good! He needed that! He actually says that he wants to go to King's Landing and rape and kill his sister. The raping isn't a symbol of him wanting to have sex with her-- it's a symbol that he wants to undignify her, just as she has constantly undignified him his whole life.

Because Cersei is awful. Don't try and tell me she isn't. She had been the #1 most selfish and shit ruler since the very first episode and unlike so many other characters (Jamie who?), she never redeemed herself. (And this isn't saying she deserves to be raped. No one does, and I actually wouldn't expect Tyrion to go through with the part of the plan anyway.)

 

 


So what is this idiot doing trying to save her? Why? Why does he care? It does nothing for him to care and he had been burned by Cersei time and again, and it has cost him literally everything valuable in his life. The only things he has now are his remaining friends and his position as Hand of the Queen. Now he's going to lose them, too for... what? Saving Cersei? Cersei who doesn't deserve to be saved? Cersei who has always treated him like garbage? Cersei who doesn't care about the people she rules, only that she has enough power to be able to do whatever she wants.

No. Throw out your toxic family members. Put compassionate people in power. Take care of yourself.

Dany? Are YOU OK?
Last week, we saw the threads of Dany's madness beginning to seal together. She was paranoid about Jon. She was mourning Messandei's death. Now she's burning down a whole city just... because? When she talks about breaking the wheel, and doing it with mercy, what does that mean? Does she think she's mercy-killing these people? What is her reasoning? Or is she just going insane to go insane? Because, "Ohhhh boy, they'll never see this one coming!"

 

I feel like the explanation we're going to get next episode is that, "Now the rest of Westeros will bend the knee without causing trouble." Girl, the rest of Westeros is BROKEN AF. There are no lords in the Riverlands, the Stormlands (Gendry ain't there yet), Dorne, The Reach, or even The Westerlands. They have been at war for about ten years. It's very surprising to me that the Lannisters have any soldiers at all. Look at our American Civil War: after only three years of war, we were conscripting kids because we had no more men!

Those men aren't minor lords with martial training. They're small folk-- farmers, blacksmiths, poor laborers. It has been said time and again: the small folk do not give a shit what the lords of the land do. All they want is for their crops to grow and their children to be healthy. They aren't going to raise pitchforks against a dragon. You squeeze out the pus-filled head that is Cersei, you have the Seven Kingdoms.


The Hand of a Little Brother?
I think I'm angriest about Cersei's death. Obviously, she needed to die. Obviously, she was going to die. But why a rock? And why was Jaime trying to save her? I guess character development means nothing anymore. But the fact that Cersei never changes, Jaime changed and then unchanged and became just as terrible as he always was because dang he loves getting it on with his sister! Look at those weird little incest twins, they're so in love.

If Jamie had brought Cersei down there to kill her, that would have been a great ending not just for him, but for her, too. Because she has jerked Jamie around his whole life, too. Even if he died in killing her, he would be redeeming all the shitty things he ever did for her.

Oh and dollar store Jack Sparrow? You're not the man who killed Jamie Lannister. These guys are:

game of thrones

The Worst Death This Episode...
...goes to all the character assassinations that took place. The only character who acted sort of like herself was Arya. Gee, I bet her shoulders are tired from carrying the show.

Cleganebowl, Get...Hype?
If this was any other episode, Cleganebowl would have been the biggest letdown. But no, it was this episode, so it was really a highlight. We got to see an unmasked Gregor. We got to see the Hound (Sandor!) finally face his fears and embrace Death like an old friend. It was an OK sendoff, but honestly, knowing that dragon fire could kill... whatever Gregor was, well, I would have much rathered that Sandor just go back to his peaceful village and start anew in the ashes of everything. But hey, that's really a GRRM message, not a Benioff and Weiss message.

Benioff and Weiss wouldn't know a denouement if it kicked them in the face
This might be a personal complaint as a writer, but building up a dynamic character for seven seasons to do thing X, then taking a hard swerve at the last second to be t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m levels of random and surprisingly! does not make for a compelling story. The denouement is the falling action, the payoff for the characters. It's where they take what they have been learning throughout the story and use it to tie up loose ends.



To have a compelling story, you need characters who change. Daenerys would be a great example of this if they had been building her madness for longer than the last two episodes. Jamie? Not so much. It's not where they get cornered in a basement full of dragon skulls with their twin sister and have a make-out sesh as the walls crumble around them, because they have learned absolutely nothing.

 

Predictions


Ugh, why even bother? The Calvinball didn't even bother to bounce back into our court this time. It's just out there, on fire, knocking down walls, killing peasants, and making out with its sister.

 

 

Arya Beheld the Pale Horse
Yeah, she's pissed about what Dany did, and it's probably time for her to fix it by changing the name of the queen on her list, seeing as she's the only person around here that does anything useful. R'hllor knows, Jon doesn't seem like he's going to do diddly shit. Or maybe she'll just sort of, I don't know, go. That horse is totally Bran, right? White, covered in red? I mean, I say this but then next week, we're going to find out the horse is actually Loras Tyrell who isn't dead, warging to her from Dorne where he lives in a peaceful polyamorous relationship with the corpses of Renly and Oberon. A girl can dream, right?

Do You Think Jon Will Just Suck It Up?
He definitely had a minute in between there where he realized he probably said one too many, "Bhut she's muh queen!"

 

 

Tyrion Will...
...continue to have his character assassinated? And probably actually be assassinated? I want to note that Peter Dinklage's portrayal is amazing, and has always been. Just like so many other actors in GOT, he can only do so much when the script is bad. Just look at how hyped Emilia Clarke was for her own arc this season:

 

Varys Was a Merman

...and jumped into the ocean right before Drogon grabbed him. He'll return next episode to king Jon. Seriously, this guy has seemed like the biggest asshole for eight seasons and the moment we get confirmation that he's doing something good is the moment it's time for him to die?

This Shit Ending Was All An Ad For Books Six and Seven
Which will be coming out in June. Barristan Selmy's actor implied as much at a fan con in Germany, by the way. At this point, fuck, wouldn't surprise me. It's going to keep a pretty dang big gesture to keep fans hanging on at this point.

Want to blow as much as this episode did? Try one of our sounding horns. It's inexpensive, pretty, and something you'll want to tell all your friends about. Which makes it the exact opposite of this episode.

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